by Caravaggio
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“Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed.”
Paul had Christ visit him on the way to Damascus. Christ visited me on the way home from a basketball game.
And by Christ, I’m of course using Christian language to describe the common human experience of awe.
Zelph’s mound was the first spiritual experience I remember. Later, standing in front of that huge tree with its outstretched, naked branches a blanket of night above me--that would become the second spiritual experience that I could remember. The whirling dervishes of Turkey |
I was overwhelmed with how interconnected and massive everything was, how the Universe expanded out in all directions.
The stars seemed to me at that moment to be pinholes of light revealing a heaven above the dark blue from which the most brilliant and holy light could be found if only we could tear down the shady veil of night. The sun must have been dimmed compared to that great source of light that was spilling out of the tears in the sky that we called stars.
I got out a notebook, sitting on broken concrete, and began to write a poem. It wasn’t a very good poem, but my thirteen year old self was proud of it at the time. At least it was different than the angsty Eminem meets Lincoln Park poetry that I was writing at the time.
The stars seemed to me at that moment to be pinholes of light revealing a heaven above the dark blue from which the most brilliant and holy light could be found if only we could tear down the shady veil of night. The sun must have been dimmed compared to that great source of light that was spilling out of the tears in the sky that we called stars.
I got out a notebook, sitting on broken concrete, and began to write a poem. It wasn’t a very good poem, but my thirteen year old self was proud of it at the time. At least it was different than the angsty Eminem meets Lincoln Park poetry that I was writing at the time.
Persian miniature painting, from 1550 CE, depicting Muhammad ascending on the Buraq into the Heavens. |
I would soon live for those spiritual encounters, those moments of connection with something bigger than myself. Chasing spiritual experiences would become my obsession.
I’d find them in sacrament meeting, while praying, while reading Walt Whitman, while hiking, while performing theatre, while writing poetry, while doing sex, while smoking dope, while chanting to Krishna--if I thought it could lead to a new spiritual experience, I would want to try it.
I’d find them in sacrament meeting, while praying, while reading Walt Whitman, while hiking, while performing theatre, while writing poetry, while doing sex, while smoking dope, while chanting to Krishna--if I thought it could lead to a new spiritual experience, I would want to try it.
Portrait of John of the Cross, 17th Century |
These experiences often lead towards greater love and purpose in my life. But sometimes, like at Zelph, they left me wanting, wondering in the dark night of the soul.
Moses and the Burning Bush, 12th Century |
They’re sometimes so fleeting, and growing up with Mormon guilt, I’d often blame myself if they weren’t occurring on demand. Chasing spiritual experiences can sometimes lead to euphoric heights only to come crashing down to hellish lows.
But there is beauty in these experiences. And as I learn to ride the waves of the emotional ups and downs of my life, as I’ve learned to accept the lows when they come and the temporariness of the highs, my obsession for spiritual experiences has diminished, but my love for those same experiences has remained.
But there is beauty in these experiences. And as I learn to ride the waves of the emotional ups and downs of my life, as I’ve learned to accept the lows when they come and the temporariness of the highs, my obsession for spiritual experiences has diminished, but my love for those same experiences has remained.
Buddha under the Bodhi Tree |
I’m skeptical about a lot of things, but I believe that moments of spiritual intoxication have the ability to help me find some small amount of meaning and hope, strengthen me, and set me more firmly on a love filled, self-aware, creative, purposeful path while I am spiritually sober, maybe even when I am weak, sad, and in pain.
The Fool card from the Osho Zen Tarot |
“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”
(The Power of Myth)